50 Shades of ... I don't really care

by E.L. James
May 29 - July 16, 2012

Thank God that's over. I am probably the only woman on the planet who didn't read this trilogy in a week, let alone twice in a row. I didn't jump on the Christian Grey train; rather I wanted to shove him in front of one. I suppose I can understand why everyone is so fascinated with the books. I mean, let's face it, I read a lot and I have never read sex scenes quite like these. But after the initial "shock" and once through the first book, it was old news and honestly a little boring. If I hadn't bought the complete trilogy on my Kindle at one time, I highly doubt I would have continued on to book two, and definitely not book three.

I find it unnecessary to do a complete recap, so this post will be strictly opinion with lots of spoilers. I don't suggest reading any further unless you've already finished the books. If you have, I'd love to hear what drew you to them (or not).

I was immediately turned off by the poor prose. By no means am I a literary giant, but I've read enough to know good writing from bad. And even if I can't articulate which it may be, trust me, I just know. Within the first 10% of the book I was already rolling my eyes at the way the author overused "he/she mutters" and 'he/she murmurs." Really, why is this a story of two people with mush mouths who whisper to each other all the time? And if Christian Grey is the strong dominant the author portrays, then I'm quite sure he would never murmur anything. This was my biggest pet peeve. Incidentally, I did a find for "murmur" on my Kindle, and I came up with 764 results. Buy a thesaurus, Ms. James.

The next thing that kept my eyes rolling (and no, I don't want to be "punished" for doing so; that was just absurd) was Ana's constant referral to her inner goddess and her subconscious. It got to the point where I thought she was a schizophrenic with all these personalities living inside of her. When her subconscious started wearing half-moon glasses and reading Charles Dickens, it went completely over the top into utter ridiculousness. In reality, a 21-year old girl could simply not be emotionally mature enough to recognize any of this. Remember what you were interested in at 21 and fresh out of college? Yeah, me too, and it wasn't my freaking subconscious.

Toward the end of the second book, I was just becoming bored by so many things. First, the fact that Ana was so in love with Christian, yet she constantly walked on eggshells around him. She always worried whether or not he was mad at her. So very NOT sexy. Second, his possessiveness. If he murmured one more time, "you're mine" I was going to puke. Flawed or not, get a grip buddy. Third, I honestly failed to see the attraction to a man who takes pleasure in inflicting pain on a woman. In my opinion, he was a half step away from all-out domestic abuse. At one point he even says: "I want to punish you. Really beat the shit out of you." WAKE UP ladies!! THIS IS NOT OK! I would have thrown the book at the wall, but my Kindle didn't deserve to be smashed into a million pieces.

Finally, the little mystery thrown in for good(?) measure. By that point, I didn't care about Jack Whateverhisnameis or why he was out to get the Greys. It seemed an afterthought to add this inane storyline, and I don't think it added any intrigue or compassion at all.

I could probably go on for another 500 words or more, but I think you get my disgust loud and clear. I. Just. Don't. Get. It. But if you loved it, please, oh please, tell me why. Was it the sex? If so, I have to believe there are better-written smut books out there. Was it the love story? Because I don't understand loving a controlling, insecure masochist.

Talk to me.

_______________
* * * * *

An Unexamined Life

by Gareth Young
Oct 16-Nov 14, 2011

Recently, I learned about a pretty cool concept called Book Rooster. It's essentially an online community of passionate readers who receive free kindle editions of books by indie authors and write reviews. It's a great way for these sometimes struggling authors to get more reviews posted on Amazon.com. All you have to do is sign up and indicate which genres of books you are interesting in, and Book Rooster will start sending you titles. If you aren't interested in a particular book, all you have to do is wait for the next one to come along. Reading and reviewing with no pressure! My kind of site for sure. A more simplified version of the follow review is posted on Amazon, thanks to the free digital copy I received from the Rooster. Check it out.

I must say that upon reading the brief synopsis on An Unexamined Life, my interest was piqued. Definitely not the kind of subject matter I read on a daily basis. So I downloaded my free sample and headed off to Jamaica where I was sure I was going to read at least two, if not three, books. Little did I realize that a cocktail in one hand, seated at the swim-up bar, does not bode well for a kindle. Reading just had to wait until I was home again.

Never before has a book sparked such raw emotion and anger in me. Some might say this is a sign of a truly brilliant author, and while that may be true, I certainly can't say that I'd ever again want to read another of Young's books (this is the author's second novel). Joe Kay is a man who is living the textbook life. On paper, he has everything; a high-paying job, a devoted wife, and most recently, a large inheritance from a dead aunt. When his career takes a nose dive, Joe finds he has more time to spend with his wife. Only now does he realize that years of career-first neglect has driven a large gap between the couple. Joe resorts to online "dating," spending late nights chatting with strange women and having cyber affairs. For whatever reason, Joe becomes braver and begins bringing these affairs to the light of day. He even begins a fantasy-driven affair with his next-door neighbor. At this point, I'm keeping up and fairly intrigued as to where the next pages will take me, but then the protagonist's flaws come screaming to life.

Joe frequents a coffee shop more than ever now that he has Liz, a high school student, to ogle. He quickly becomes infatuated from afar as he eavesdrops on her every word. He finally works up the nerve to speak to her and he is instantly a teenager again. The affair that ensues paints the picture of a weak, selfish, perverted pig. I found myself actually wanting to throw my kindle at a wall I was becoming so frustrated with Joe's weaknesses.

"Moral weakness wasn't indicative of a lack of love for my Eliza, unimaginably cherished, the light of my life. Surely she could see that as a man of means and charm, it was inevitable I would be exposed to irresistible temptation?"

Puke. Some would ask me why I didn't just put the book down for good, but at 263 short pages, I had to at least be assured that Joe's wife would get some kind of redemption. The final moments of Joe's story had me writhing with disgust and frustration. I finished the book wondering if perhaps An Unexamined Life is more suitable to a male reader? As a woman, I refuse to make a single excuse for Joe's adulterous behavior. As an avid reader, I can compliment the author on his prose, but with the hatred I feel for Joe Kay, I have read my first and last Gareth Young book.

_______________
* * * * *

Room

by Emma Donogue
May 17 - 28, 2011

Wow. What a book. Told from the point of view of a 5-year old boy; it took me a few chapters to get used to his language. But once I acclimated, I flew through this one.

Jack knows nothing but the Room he has lived in with his mother since the day he was born. Jack's perspective is that of a vast, yet cozy home he shares exclusively with Ma. To Ma, Room is a prison in which she has been held captive for years. Despite it all, Ma still tries to make life as normal as possible for her son. Unfortunately, Old Nick's nightly visits are a harsh reminder of their true reality.

The overall premise and lives of the protagonists is truly disturbing, but somehow, when narrated by a little boy, it works. The first few chapters were excruciating as I learned more and more of their situation and Jack's definition of "normal." Halfway through, I was routing for their rescue; followed by a disbelief that the story could in any way end well. Donogue does a fantastic job keeping the reader guessing and wholly intrigued. Her prose was poetic and profound ... the kind you continue to think about long after the last page is turned. I found this line to be particularly striking:

"It's what we believe about ourselves that determines how others see us."

So true, right? Upon their escape (no, that's not a spoiler; you know it's going to happen), Jack makes a statement that proves he is truly a wise, old soul.

"Her laughter was a wondrous, liquid thing that splashed across my face, over the toes of my shoes, and into the grass."

While Room was released in September 2010 and I may be a little late with my review, if you haven't read it, make sure it immediately gets on your list.

_______________
* * * * *

Eat the Popcorn

Today was a rare Sunday in which I didn't have any freelance obligations. But instead of laying like broccoli reading on the couch all day, I decided to organize my ginormous pile of recipes. Super productive and now I'm inspired to cook lots of yummy meals. Tonight's wasn't too shabby, if I do say so myself.

And last night I had a pajama party with my five-year old niece. After make-your-own-pizzas, cookies and ice cream sundaes, we watched one of my faves, Alice in Wonderland and ate a big bowl of popcorn. At bedtime I was one proud Auntie as I witnessed a super smart girl read me an entire book! I can't stop smiling as I think about my brilliant reader. She definitely takes after me.

This morning we decided to feed the leftover popcorn to the birds, but we needed to be sure the birds knew it was OK. Now I have a beautifully hand-written sign hanging in my window:

Did I mention that I was proud?!?

The Hunger Games (trilogy)

 by Suzanne Collins

     

I've come to two conclusions. The first is that I don't really see a need to write three separate reviews on this series because, well, I just don't. The second is that Suzanne Collins kicks Stephenie Meyer's ass. I may (or may not) have been on a Young Adult kick of late, so I think that gives me full authority to make this claim. What can I say, I'm reliving my youth. But for as much as I enjoyed the Twilight series, The Hunger Games trilogy betters Edward and Bella in so many ways. Collins' writing is intelligent and inspired. Meyer is a proofreader's worst nightmare. While Meyer told each account to death, making sections drag on entirely too long, Collins gets to the point quickly and that point is spot-on.

I must admit that when I first learned of these books, I wasn't the least bit intrigued by the subject. Plus, while I was reading and describing the story line to others, I would end up explaining that the books are way better than the plot sounds. I think I felt the same way about Water for Elephants (although circus freaks and fights to the death never live in the same world) and yet it ended up earning a spot on my favorites list. To say that I was wrong would be a huge understatement. I was immediately wrapped up in the lives of Katniss, her family, Peeta and Gale. I was stressed out at points and even became misty a few times. The character development was superb, and unlike Bella, the whiny martyr who I ended up wanting to punch, Katniss is a superstar.

I'm sure by now everyone who is remotely interested in reading The Hunger Games knows the premise. But in a nutshell, Panem is a postapocalyptic United States consisting of 12 districts. Every year the Capitol of these districts, in order to keep its citizens complacent, hosts a Hunger Games in which one boy and one girl from each district is pitted against one another in a fight to the death. Only one child survives. These victors, past and present, are rewarded by living slightly less difficult lives than before their participation in the Games. Throughout the course of the trilogy, the reader meets several past tributes and comes to find how truly effected the Games made these survivors. And while Katniss at heart is cold-blooded and calculated, you still find yourself rooting for her.

After the last lines of The Hunger Games and Catching Fire, I absolutely couldn't wait to start the next book. Collins has a way with cliffhangers. And in the end, the series wraps up nicely. Not in the tied-in-a-pretty-bow way that I hate, but with a definite, satisfying end. In my opinion, there is only one part that I wish she would have paid a little more attention to. But by no means did this detail ruin the books for me. The finale had a poignancy that made it all worth it.

"Because something is significantly wrong with a creature that sacrifices its children's lives to settle its differences. You can spin it any way you like. Snow thought the Hunger Games were an efficient means of control... But in the end, who does it benefit? No one. The truth is, it benefits no one to live in a world where these things happen."

_______________
* * * * *

Every Last One

by Anna Quindlen

I've been a fan of Anna Quindlen since I read Black & Blue when it was an Oprah Book Club selection in 1998. I think about that book a lot. So good. So scary. So real. And while Rise & Shine wasn't my favorite, I was definitely looking forward to this latest one.

Quindlen writes tragedy really well. Some people may find the subject matter a little too much for casual reading, but I kind of love it. She is able to capture raw emotion and keep the plot completely believable all at the same time. Every Last One begins as a pretty typical family story; proms, learning disabilities and soccer practice; and quickly turns on a dime. Mary Beth Latham, devoted wife and mother of three, in an instant finds herself with nothing. The rest of the book is simply about survival when even the strongest person would give up. Line after line, my heart wanted to break. That makes for some genius writing.

"Sometimes I feel as though the entire point of a woman's life is to fall in love with people who will leave her."

I read this one on my Kindle. I love my Kindle. I actually think I might read faster on it than holding a "real" book. I'm still not ready to give up the real thing though. I hope I never am.

_______________
* * * * *

The Mystery in room 201a

I loved fifth grade. Mr. Murray was such a great teacher, and I remember so much about him even after about a million years later. He was a talented artist, writer and an overall cool guy. I recognized this about him when I was only 10! The main reason I loved fifth grade was because we had to write stories for "Language." Lots of them. They always had a theme or subject matter you had to follow, but otherwise it was whatever your creative mind could dream up. Even at that age I was an avid reader, so I can totally see words and styles in my writing that I'm sure I picked up from books I had read.

Over the weekend I found a few of my masterpieces and I had to share this one right away. The photo below is a small piece of the actual story, yellowed paper and all. And I even got an S+ (I almost always got an S+ for my magnificent writing)! I'm going to transpose it exactly like I wrote it because I think that adds to the charm of my 10-year old mind. Enjoy!




capter 1 The Mystery in room 201a
Once upon a time there was an old lady. She was very mean. Now she always committed murders. One day she went out and killed her own son! When she went to jail after the police caught her, they asked her why she did it. And she said "Because I don't want to see him anymore."
"Well" said the officer, "This is your sixth time in jail and you still haven't learned your lesson yet?" continued the officer. "You have to stop sometime or else you be in here for the rest of your life if you've got any." "Well I just don't care because I meet more people when I'm here."
"You don't have to know everybody in the world." "Yes I do I want to know who I can kill and who I can't." "Opps! that slipped out you weren't supposed to know my secret."
"We weren't supposed to hear you secret ayy lady." N-oNo-NN No you weren't." Then she said come here I feel sick." So they went over there and she took the key off the police and then shot them both. With that she unlocked the cell and ran out. She went to the cheapest diner in town (because she didn't have much money) and had some coffee and a donut. Then she shot the bartender and ran out without paying. Then she went back to her home and went to bed.

capter2 Going to Mississippi
That day when she woke up she dicided that wanted to go on a trip. She thought about going to Mississippi. So she packed her bags and got on a bus and went to the airport. (of course she wouldn't forget her gun) When she got to the airport, she lied to the person who takes the money for the tickets.
She said "My husband died and left me without any money and now I don't have any." "I'm sorry, you have to pay no-body can go on a plane without paying for their tickets." With that she shot him down and took the tickets and got on the plane. When she got to Mississippi, she took a taxi to the hotel she made reservations for and went to her room which was room 201a.
She was tired so she went to take a nap. When she woke up the phone rang, so she answered it and it was the person at the desk. He said, "Tonight is free dinner night and you can have a free dinner for the rest of this week.....Thank you." She decided she was going to go so she got dressed and went.
She had a very good dinner of roast beef, beans, potatoes, and coffee. Then she went upstairs and went to bed. The next day she said to herself "I think I'll go kill my best friend I don't like her anymore." So she went to her friends house and when she opened the door Bang! and she was dead.
capter3 No More Shooting.
When she got back to her apartment, she locked all the doors and windows so nobody could get in. She made herself some lunch and then took a nap. When she woke up she wanted to go for a walk but she wanted to wait for a while. She waited an hour and the got ready. She had to get dressed and put on some make-up and get her shoes on.
It was kind of cold out so she wore a coat. She opened the closet door and the man from the desk was in there and she said, "What are you doing there," and "Hello." He said good-bye and he shot her. And from then on everybody was happy and glad to know that the mean old lady wouldn't kill anymore people so they all lived happily ever after.

________
All my stories ended in happily ever after, but most of them were violent. No idea why?!!? Now I just need to find the best story of all: Cinderella and Frank.